#285 – Sex Addiction, Shame and Betrayal with Duane Osterlind

VeronicaValli

In this episode, Veronica sits down with Duane Osterlind who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specialises in helping people overcome sex addiction. He explains that sex addiction is a way to get connection and intimacy but remains unfulfilling and compulsive. Duane explains that it’s essential to understand how shame factors into sex addiction and that dealing with shame is crucial to recovery. He also talks about how it affects partners and the trauma of betrayal. But that a marriage can survive, and someone can recover from sex addiction. Listen to the episode now: Follow Us for FREE: Apple Podcasts | Android | Spotify | RSS Watch to the episode now: about this episode

“Shame hides us from ourselves.” In this episode, Veronica Valli and Duane Osterlind discuss sex addiction, shame, and betrayal. They define sex addiction as the compulsive use of sex to cope with difficult emotions. They explore the three core issues of sex addiction: using sex as a primary coping mechanism, unsuccessful attempts to stop, and the accumulation of consequences. They also discuss the role of shame in sex addiction and how it keeps the addiction secretive. They touch on the gender divide in sex addiction and the impact of the internet on younger generations. They also explore the connection between intensity and intimacy in sex addiction. In this conversation, Duane Osterlind and Veronica Valli discuss the topics of shame, betrayal, and recovery from sex addiction. They explore the impact of shame on relationships and the importance of vulnerability in forming deeper connections. They also delve into the devastating effects of betrayal on partners and the challenges of rebuilding trust. Duane emphasizes the need for consistent, noticeable, trustworthy behaviors over time to earn back trust. They discuss resources available for those seeking help and the possibility of recovery from sex addiction. Overall, the conversation highlights the importance of addressing shame, seeking support, and doing the necessary work to heal and rebuild relationships. Episode takeaways:

Sex addiction is the compulsive use of sex to cope with difficult emotions.
Shame plays a significant role in sex addiction and keeps it secretive.
There is a gender divide in sex addiction, but more women are struggling with compulsive pornography use.
The internet has made sex addiction more accessible and can trigger unresolved trauma.
Sex addiction often involves a confusion between intensity and intimacy.
Love addiction can be a component of sex addiction, where individuals seek romantic intensity but struggle with long-term attachment. Shame plays a significant role in addiction and can hinder the formation of deep, meaningful relationships. Working through shame is essential for recovery and building healthier connections.
Betrayal in the context of sex addiction can be devastating for partners, leading to post-traumatic stress and a loss of trust. The person who has been betrayed may experience hyper vigilance and struggle with feelings of craziness.
Recovery from sex addiction requires stepping away from the addiction, seeking support, and doing the deeper work of understanding oneself and making repairs. Consistent, noticeable, trustworthy behaviors over time are crucial for rebuilding trust in relationships.
There are resources available for those struggling with sex addiction, such as 12-step groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Seeking professional help from therapists and coaches specializing in addiction can also be beneficial.
While the internet and social media have contributed to the accessibility of pornography and addictive behaviors, there is hope for progress. Younger generations are becoming more aware of the negative impact and are seeking ways to unplug and create healthier relationships with technology.
It is important for partners of individuals with sex addiction to understand that the addiction is not about their attractiveness or worthiness. It is crucial for the person who has done the betrayal to show remorse, regret, and a willingness to support their partner’s healing process.