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Codependency is an unbalanced relationship with other people. When we “people please” to the detriment of our own needs, we become reliant on other people for how we feel. We take too much responsibility for fixing their feelings above our won. Chip and Veronica discuss their challenges with codependency and how they have learned to manage their emotions.
What is codependency?
You know you’ve got codependent tendencies when you walk into a bar and buy everyone a round of drinks, not because you care, but because you want them to like you.
You know you’ve got codependent tendencies when you shower your love interest with a lavish gift on the second date, just because they took an interest in you.
You know you’ve got codependent tendencies when all your child’s wins are your wins, and you’d do anything and everything for them, just so they can stay dependent on you forever.
If you know someone with those tendencies, or they’re looking at you in the mirror, and you want to know what to do about it, here’s what we recommend.
The first step is being aware of your tendencies. Get to know your patterns and behaviors, and what triggers them.
“One of the cruxes of codependency is trying to get a return on your behavior. It’s dishonest and transactional.” – Chip Somers
In this episode, Chip spoke about his people-pleasing and the alarming levels it got to. He also spoke about the problems underneath dealing with his parents growing up that led to his codependency issues.
If you want to get more insights into these tendencies and how it looks from both sides, from the side of the codependent person, and the side of the partner of the codependent person, and you want to know how to let go of those self-sacrificing and people-pleasing outcomes in your mind, you’ll get a ton from this episode.
There’s no joy and love in trying to control how people are. Things become so much easier when we let those goals go, love ourselves, find our worth and accept the support we need to improve.
“If I can make the world in a way you’ll approve, then I’m good. That’s real codependency.” – Veronica Valli
We need codependence to coexist
We live in a society where we need people. We are genetically wired to depend on each other for survival and belonging so nothing is wrong with codependence… up to a point. The problem arises when it’s unhealthy, unbalanced and one-sided.
Identifying the patterns of codependency
Veronica lovingly helped her husband make a change to his anger spiral, but it started with her stopping in her tracks, identifying the spiral and recognizing what her role was in allowing it to continue. When you can step back and identify the patterns, you’re better equipped to handle the problem, whether that means getting help or creating space between yourself and the other person in the relationship. These patterns pop up very easily in romantic partnerships as well as in parent-child relationships.
Codependency isn’t adorable, it’s selfish.
The codependent person in the relationship can give his/her time, attention and affection to their partner, but at the end of the day, it’s never about true feelings for the partner. On the surface, it might seem like acts of kindness but it’s really about their need or obsession to feel like they belong and using the other person to fix how they feel. It’s a horrible position to be as the receiving partner because although you’re being showered and seem needed, you’re not being seen. In those moments you’re not a person but a vehicle to get what they want.
If you’ll be in the UK on June 27, 2020, we’ll be doing our very first live event! Enrolment is now open and early bird tickets are limited so if you’re ready to revitalize your sobriety and experience a real transformation, make sure to register now for Soberful LIVE. Up-level your Soberful LIVE experience by registering as a VIP, which will give you extra access to Chip and Veronica during the event, as well as afterwards. Please note there are only 8 VIP tickets and there has been a lot of interest in this event. Places are limited at the venue and we expect the tickets to sell out quickly
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