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“Resentments are the number one offender.”
In this episode, Chip and Veronica discuss the nature of resentments, how they are like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die and how they seduce us into staying stuck and block us from growing. They confess their own resentments and the methods they use to get free of them.
Lace up your boots and run away from the “holier than thou” types.
You’ll inevitably find one or two of these people at AA meetings – they are at all types of support groups actually – who claim to find it so strange that you still get angry or intolerant from time to time.
They are either lying or suppressing those emotions which creates very toxic, passive-aggressive behaviour. Very unpleasant to be around.
The path forward is not to deny who we are – that’s why I’ve said believing you can think positive thoughts all the time is dangerous – but to understand ourselves and do the work to improve.
One thing we shouldn’t deny about ourselves is that we all have resentments. They could be big resentments like the traumas that affected us growing up, small resentments and annoyances that build up day to day, or difficult people or situations that trigger us.
It could be about politics, nationalism, power, territory… even the smallest differences between us can cause us to breed resentment.
Where resentment can be serious for people with an alcohol problem is when we use drinking as a relief for the buildup of resentment. Instead of having an explosion, we wash it down with alcohol instead of dealing with it.
Having resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
“The key to resentment is that we take things personally. Really, really personally.” – Veronica Valli
Let’s not turn away from it, or suppress it. Let’s lean in and work through it.
This episode is all about dealing with resentments and how to get rid of them! Listen in.
P.S. If you’ll be in the UK on June 27, 2020, we’ll be doing our very first live event! We’ll be opening up enrolment next week so if you’re ready to experience a real transformation, make sure to stay tuned to our mailing list and social media page for the announcement. Follow us on Instagram (@lovesoberful) so you don’t miss out on the 25 early bird tickets which will have the price heavily reduced and only 8 VIP tickets which will give you extra access to Chip and Veronica during the event, as well as afterwards.
Three types of resentment
First, there is the big resentment from dealing with your childhood traumas and the people and events that may have scarred you. Smaller resentments that are trivial and come up in our day to day. They’re small but they build up over time. Then there are recurring resentments, like dealing with difficult coworkers. The resentment gets triggered whenever we’re around the person or situation each and every time.
Resentment gives you significance
When you resent someone or something you almost feel like you’re championing a cause against that thing or person. Like when someone at my child’s school took something I did completely out of context, I felt justified and emboldened to be angry and tell the whole world and hope for that person’s downfall. It’s important to regain consciousness and catch yourself in those moments of self-righteousness because objectively, you’re destroying yourself, and taking action out of anger will not put you in the right.
Use the inventory process
This process forces you to see things differently. Take an inventory of the facts, not your feelings, and other perspectives for the same situation. You may find that a person’s actions had nothing malicious to do with you, or an event you were taking personally was insignificant, to begin with. Or you may find that you’re bringing your own lack and feelings of insignificance to a situation and blowing it way out of proportion.
Resentment can be a real gift
You can learn something about yourself and really grow if you choose to work through your resentment. We use resentments as hooks to hang our drinking, and when we stop drinking, we need to resolve the resentment or the hook will always be there, waiting for us to drink again. But when we come out the other side with our drinking and with resentments, we become better, stronger, and more emotionally stable people. That’s a win-win.
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